What Have I Done?
by onyxrush707
Summary: James' first kill and how he met Victoria. Very sad first kill. Fits his character, I think... R&R!
1. Prologue

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AN: Trying to make a longer story here... This is not my happiest, but I love it! And uber thanks go to sorrow-ever-lasting for being my unofficial beta here... Thank you!!

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I'm going to Hell. I just know it. I can feel the truth in my non-beating heart. Nothing about me should ever see the light of Heaven. I don't think I'll even deserve Hell either. Both will go to easy o my soul. I am just a horrible, murderous… thing! I don't think I'm human anymore. I can't hear any sign of humanity emanating from me. All I know is the loud silence of my heart and the stillness of my veins and the way they don't dance under my skin. My soul - is dark and empty. Maybe I won't get an afterlife in the end. Because I surely don't deserve one. I should be left to an eternity of emptiness and have what I've done reminded to me over and over again.

Every second.

Every minute.

Every hour.

Every day.

Every year.

Maybe with every breathe I take…I hope so.

And why do I think such morbid thoughts? Why is my mind in the blackest pit of despair? It's all because of the beautiful girl laying across my lap. She's completely still as she stares into my eyes with her gorgeous, green and dead ones.

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**AN: There's more coming. Please keep watching. Just kind of a filler here...**


	2. Kymberlyy

**AN: Hey, people! I know that this took a while longer than expected, but here is the update!! And again uber thanks go to the awesome sorrow-ever-lasting for putting up with me and letting me send her my chapter to proofread. Thank you, Sorrow!! Hope you like! **

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I don't remember what happened, but I know I must have killed her._ I must_ have. The only things I can remember are a sea of fire and blood. _Lots _of blood. It must have been _her _blood, because I was pretty sure I didn't have any in my body. And we were sitting too… intimately, too… possessively for me not to have done it. But the question burned in my mind: How could I not remember?

But, more importantly, how could I have done it? Was my basic human sanity lost in some bizarre accident? Did I morph into some kind of monster or demon? Will I always have this strange, unearthly desire to kill scorching in my throat? Am I going to be like this forever, frozen in my current sadistic state?

This beautiful girl, what did she do to deserve what I've done to her? She seems so innocent.. If I wasn't half-crazed with whatever possessed me, I would never have hurt her no matter what she did to me first. It's bad luck to kill an angel, I think. Don't you lose your chance at a good afterlife? But clearly I did kill the angel, judging by the wet blood still dripping from my mouth, the taste of… delicious blood on my tongue and the teeth marks all over her arms.

Somewhere, somehow… I know this face. You just can't forget those green eyes and her dark curly hair. It's really hard to remember how, though. I can barely remember my own name…How was I supposed to figure out this riddle when I have no memories left? But the memories, once I try to focus on them, do exist. They're buried under what seems to be mud in my mind.

Once I got under the layer of mud, a fast current of memories flew through my mind. So quickly that it was as if I had no control. As soon as I saw the face - _her _face - I put all of my strength into capturing it. It was almost too hard- I almost lost it once- but I managed to tighten my grip on it. The image, no matter how hard I tried to make it clearer, was blurry, as though I was submerged in water during the time the memory was created. And it sounded the same way…

_I'm laying in a large bed with white cotton sheets. I've just woken up to see the sun shining in my eyes. I move away from the sudden light and bump into a small human figure sharing the bed with me. I look over my shoulder to see a small woman stirring in her sleep and curling up into my back. I turn over and wrap her in a loving embrace._

_My touch causes her to stir even more. She stretches and her beautiful black hair splays across the pillows. I stiffen, upset at myself for awakening her. She hadn't been feeling well the last few days and, last night, had gone to bed before dinner. But I relax when she opens her eyes and smiles at me._

_I smile back and brush some hair out of her face. "Are you feeling better?"_

_She reaches for my hand, running her thumb over my knuckles. " Yes, I think so… for now." Then an impish smile spreads across her face, replacing her old one. _

"_Something… you want to share with me?" I lift my eyebrow in confusion._

_I can see the secret in her playful green eyes as she whispers, sounding conspiring, "Maybe… if you promise not to get too excited…"_

_My heart flips in my chest. Could it be? The only thing she and I both knew could get me dangerously excited was to find out if she's pregnant…But really, for-real-and-for-true? After all the years we've tried to get pregnant, could this be the year?_

_My voice is low and quiet with the fear that I'd been reading into this thing too much. "Are you pregnant?"_

_**Her **__voice comes out in a squeal and she practically jumps out of my arms. "Yes, I'm so excited, James! A baby, our baby!"_

_I'm afraid that she's not. Maybe she's just getting our hopes up. We've had so many false alarms and several… miscarriages. What if she isn't? Or what if she is and the baby dies, and then she drops into a huge depression again? I don't think either of us would survive it if she was again… Last time she lost a baby, she was depressed for a year and she only came out of it when she woke up in the hospital after trying to kill herself. Her attempted suicide almost killed both of us. But that __**was **__3 years ago. Maybe… things had changed._

"_Are you sure, Kymberlyy? __**Really **__sure?" I won't let myself hope. Not yet…_

"_Yes, James. I've even waited to tell you. I'm twelve weeks now. The doctor said it was a good sign that the baby has lasted this long… But I needed to tell you before you started to think I was just getting fat. And you really never noticed?" She laughs._

_I'm in shock. No words can make it out of my mouth. But then through the daze I remember the words: twelve weeks. Surely that's a good sign? I realize in that second I'm still laying there, probably looking like an idiot, when she needed to know how I felt. But I had to make sure before I showed any real feelings._

"_So __**really **__pregnant?" I clarified._

_She laughs again and nods her head. "Really."_

_I let out what sounded like a victorious war cry and she jumps away in surprise. I realize my mistake and pull her back to my arms. I start to laugh and she joins in. Then I lean forward to show her how happy I am. I capture her lips with mine. I lose track of time and place. There is nothing else in the world at that moment. I don't want to ever stop kissing her, but I finally let her go for fear that she and the baby will get oxygen deprivation. We're gasping for breath as I rest my forehead against hers._

"_I love you, Kymberlyy." _

With that last whisper, the memory faded into nothing. With eyes drowning in shame, I look down at the girl. And there's no mistaking it: the dead bleeding girl in my arms was my… wife Kymberlyy. My _pregnant _wife Kymberlyy. But why would I have killed my beautiful pregnant wife? _Why? _

I can't believe it; had I really killed them? My own wife and baby…?

I moved my hand from her arm to touch the fallen angel's stomach. I felt as if I was behaving intrusively, but I had to feel the truth in my hands, literally. I pressed my hand down as gently as I could and moved slowly until I felt a hard, little bump. I jerked my hand away in horror. What had I _done_? I forced myself to touch it again, cupping it in the palm of my hands. As I fully realized that I had killed my wife and my innocent child, I started to shake with sobs. I hated myself more now that my shame was laying in front of me.

It was official: I was a murderer. A cold-hearted killer who couldn't remember why he felt the need to murder those who should trust him the most. What had come over me? Was my humanity lost more than I'd originally feared? I had to remember why. Why I had changed…

Another memory came into my mind; this one faster than the last.

_I'm walking down the street, plainly relieved to be out of the house. I just needed a break from the world and a chance to be alone. I wanted a chance to let the fact that I'm going to be a father in a few months kick in. I know that she only told me yesterday, but one can never be too prepared. _

_The street is deserted. I am all alone, or that's what I think until a see a girl - an angel - walking beside me. She is a beautiful creature. Too beautiful to even be considered human. She is tall, almost up to my chin. Looking past the blonde hair, I see the most interesting eyes. Because she is not looking at me but straight ahead, I can't see the colour. It looks like a strange brown colour, but I can't quite tell. _

_I am about to ask her where she came from, but she turns her head to smile at me. The sun shining above us reflects off her brilliantly white teeth.. But, even though I'm almost blinded by the teeth, what catches my attention is her eyes._

_The colour isn't the strange brown I had guessed it was: They are a startling crimson. But that isn't all: the hungry look that those eyes have is enough to make me want to scream. I don't know why, but my mind is screaming at myself to run. I'm about to run, but I find that neither my feet will work. _

_She moves so swiftly that she grabs my arm without my noticing. In the same movement, she pulls me away from the road and into the trees before I have a chance to respond. I try to look around, but everything is moving too quickly around me. I try to move my feet, but realize that she has me held to her side, feet inches off the ground. She stops so suddenly that I'm dizzy and get dropped to the ground. She moves away quietly. Just steps a few steps back. She looks at me almost calculatingly. It's a strange kind of daze I'm in as she comes back to stand in front of me. _

_She drops down onto her knees to come closer to me. "I'm sorry, but if I don't do this I'll be in a lot of trouble…" Her voice is quiet and very much like silk. I can see in her eyes that she doesn't want to do whatever she was about to do. And I can't bring myself to care or fear her like before, so I stare at her beautiful face. "I'm really sorry. You'll understand… when I'm done. I'm going to make you become like me. I just can't bear to kill you. This is not like me at all. You should know how special you are…" _

_She runs her hands up my arms, holding me still. It was a little unnecessary as I couldn't have moved from her stare even if I had wanted to. She is moving closer and closer- so close that it looks like she's gong to kiss my neck. That's when I try to push her away: I love __**Kymberlyy. **__And I don't want to be unfaithful to her. But before I can move of my own accord, something sharp stabs into my neck right under my left ear. _

_I let out a whimper that sounded like a whisper to me over the roar of the pain. "I'm sorry…" She mumbles_

_My vision is covered by darkness as I feel the same strange stabbing all over my neck. In a matter of seconds, my neck has been bitten five times. I can hear a strange sucking noise somewhere near my ears, but I can't understand what the noise is. Is the girl doing this to me? __**How? **__I begin to sway in her grip. I'm about to hit the ground…_

_Then nothing… _

…_A strange fire begins…_

Was this what the girl felt when I was killing her? But how did I get here with Kymberlyy dead in my arms? How?

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**AN: So thank you for reading this chapter, could you leave a review before you leave? I love them a lot. And they tell me if I should continue the story... So please tell me what you think, if you hate it (with examples of why, please), if you like it, or if you love it. I just need some sort of feedback. Please?**


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